New Year, New Country

In less than seven months, I will be packing up my belongings and moving myself to Bogotá, Colombia. Wow. Seeing it in writing is surreal. You may be wondering how I got here. If you know me well, you know I have been going back and forth over this decision for months. I sometimes still wonder what brought me to the decision to live in another country for two years. I was going to try and be brief, but when God works in your life and changes your desires as dramatically as He did mine, to not go into detail about what the Lord has done would be unworthy of the God that I serve and a disservice to those of you who are reading this.

Let's start back a full year ago in January of 2016; it had been a year since I moved back to Atlanta from Waco, Texas (I had lived in Atlanta for 8 years previous to my stint in Texas). I was feeling incredibly dissatisfied with my job, the album I had been working on for two years still sat unfinished, my living situation was stressful and emotionally draining, and I was very lonely. My relationship with the Lord plateaued; I knew there was distance, and I desperately wanted to bridge the gap, but I didn't know how. It seemed that all of my efforts just created more space. I felt overlooked and forgotten and adrift without purposes. I was in church, I was serving, and I had an incredible community group, but something was still missing. There was an inescapable void in my life that I was desperately trying to fill. When someone feels empty, when someone feels less than and forgotten, I can speak from my personal experiences that two things tend to happen. First, he/she tries to fill the emptiness with approval. I wanted people to like me, and, more than that, I wanted them to know me. So, I was all things to all people- not in a biblical sense, but rather in an attempt to gain acceptance. I pretended to like things in which I had no interest. I was incredibly careful about what I said to the point that I rarely spoke. I obsessed over my weight, believing that people would like me if I was skinny. I tried to be super spiritual around my church friends, trying to disguise my separation from God. However, with my unbelieving friends, I was catty and petty and a gossip. I tried everything in my power to be who I thought others wanted me to be so that I could have their acceptance. Yet, I still went to bed every night with the same empty pit in my stomach. The second tendency for those of us who feel empty and less than is to make others around us feel the same. I had no idea how valuable and cherished I was to God, and, therefore, I had no love for myself; because of that, I could not love other people. I made efforts because I knew I was supposed to love people, but I consistently failed. I had no grace for others because I had no grace for myself. I had no patience for others because I had no patience with myself. I had no compassion for others because I had no compassion to give myself. There were times when I could be so mean and hateful that I would go home and tear myself apart for it. In my head, I knew God would forgive me, but I turned away from His mercy. The chasm between us widened. Now, let's fast forward to the first week of April in 2016. I was going with my church to Bogotá, Colombia for a week long mission trip. Now, in full disclosure, my motivation for going on this trip was not to share the gospel. I have always loved Latino culture: the food, the music, the dancing, and the language. This trip was just an opportunity to visit a Spanish-speaking country, experience the culture, and, maybe, somewhere deep inside, I hoped for an encounter with God, but I wasn't holding my breath. The first few days were rough for me. I LOVE structure and organization and preparation and time-frames . . . and Colombia is a fairly free-flowing, laid back country from what I could tell. There were times when I had no idea what was going on, and I felt frustrated and overwhelmed- and I made sure people knew it! In hindsight, I am embarrassed by the way I acted, the way I spoke to people, and even the things I thought, but in the midst of this, something incredible began to happen. I will use an analogy to try and convey what happened to me on this trip. If my life before was a raging and tumultuous sea, then Colombia was God reaching out His hand and saying, "Peace, be still." I have never in my life felt such overwhelming peace and calm and comfort as God began filling the void that had been gnawing away at my very being. Remember when I said that I felt lonely? Pre-Colombia, if I wasn't working, you could find me at home, alone for days at a time. In Colombia, I did not have one moment of alone time. I was with at least one other person at all times, and that is no exaggeration. Remember when I said I wanted to be known? Those people who were around me 24/7 actually took the time to get to know me, and I was able to be myself, without any pretenses (and they still liked me!). Through this community that He was building up around me while in Bogotá, God began revealing His nature to me. I was raised in a Christian home, and I was always told salvation and grace were gifts from God. I don't know when or why, but somewhere down the road I began working for my salvation and working for God's grace. My view of God went from gracious and loving to hard to please and vindictive. I was trapped in a constant cycle of trying to please God and failing, and then looking at my circumstances as punishment for that failure. While in Bogotá, God showed me how much He loves me. He loves with a perfect love, and, with perfect love, there is no room for vindictiveness. God showed me He valued me regardless of my performance; He values me because I am His creation. God showed me that I was precious, forgiven, and, most importantly for me, I was known- known in the deepest meaning of the word. God knows where "I sit down and when I stand up. [He] understands my thoughts from far away...[He] is aware of all of my ways...My bones were not hidden form [Him] when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. [His] eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in [His] book and planned before a single one of the began." (Psalm 139:2-3, 15-16) When I read Psalm 139, I cannot help but be overwhelmed. I am known by God! Formed by Him, loved by Him and never forgotten by Him. That knowledge alone changed my life. Now, we can jump to August of 2016, which was about 5 months ago. After Colombia, I moved into the city, and the girl who spent 90% of her time alone was now hardly ever at home. I had been so thirsty for community for so long that every opportunity I had to soak it up, I took and I still take. Since returning from Colombia, I have had a desire to return; in what capacity, I had no idea at the time. I had thought about going to teach English for a year, but then decided that wasn't right for me, pushing my thoughts of returning aside. Meanwhile, my job dissatisfaction had grown ten-fold. I applied for a job that I really wanted, I interviewed, and it went great. I thought that the job was mine, until it wasn't. I was devastated and angry with God. I had been praying for direction, and this door just swung open out of nowhere. I thought for sure this was what He wanted, but He said, "No." I began thinking about Colombia again and found the organization TeachBeyond, which sends teachers and administrators to schools all over the world as missionaries. Teaching had never been on my radar; I wanted to be a singer, but the Lord removed my desire to perform or to pursue singing as a career while planting a seed of desire in my heart to teach. I did my research, and I wasn't too fond of raising support, but I thought it sounded fun, so I began filling out an application to teach in Bogotá. However, moving out of the country was not my first choice, and I was keeping my options open and applying for other jobs. Out of fear, I set the TeachBeyond application aside. Out of all of the jobs in Atlanta that I looked at, nothing sounded appealing. I wanted to do something that I actually felt called to do; I didn't want just any job. One day, out of sheer frustration (because for months I had been praying for some direction), I told God, "Just tell me what to do, and I will do it because I can't stay where I am for too much longer." And God said clearly to me, "Finish your application to Bogotá." I did, and now I am going to teach music at El Camino Academy in Bogotá, Colombia! I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous or a little afraid of what lies ahead, but I do know that God is good, God was diligently working all of this out for me in the past, and God will continue to work for my future because I am His child, and He loves me. This is something that I never would have dreamed for myself, but I am thankful for a God who dreams bigger for me, and I know that this is going to be an incredible adventure that will grow my faith deeper and stronger in Him.

Thank you so much for reading my first ever blog. I pray that the Lord uses my testimony to speak to your hearts, and I covet your prayers in moving forward. We sang a song last night at a worship service for the new year, and the bridge says, "You make all things new, You make all things new, and I will follow You forward." My prayer for you is that in 2017, you allow God to make you new as He has made me new and that you will follow Him wherever He leads you.