Stop Fighting
I don't know if any of you are familiar with the enneagram personality test, but if you really want to know about yourself you should take it. I love personality tests because I like to know things and to be self-aware; I have never taken a personality test that has so accurately told me my whole life or given so much insight into why I am the way I am. I am a 9; I won't go into too much detail about what that means, but you should know that I suppress emotions. I don't like to deal with any emotion that is not joy. Ironically, this last week has been slightly tumultuous for me emotionally; I have been feeling everything but joy. This always seems to happen when I'm not sure what is going to happen, when I feel out of control and I am not getting answers. I have been frustrated about a particular situation and then more frustrated because I haven't been able to control my feelings about it and then even more frustrated because I feel like God has not been giving me answers. And then yesterday, I finally got an answer.
I woke Monday morning already in a bad mood, already in the back and forth debate in my mind with God saying "just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it! I just need an answer." I usually pray on Monday mornings with a prayer partner and as we were sharing with each other she mentioned that she needed to be still and know that God is God. In that moment God gave me a very clear answer to all my prayers and his answer was to "be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46). I'm not sure I have ever just been still and waited for God. I am always pushing for answers, for certainty and for security mainly as a way to control my feelings. If something is not going to happen or the answer is no, then there is no reason for me to be emotionally invested and then I can't be hurt. So, I am always looking for a yes or a no. I have never just been quiet and still and waited. However, I believe my time for spiritual growth in the area of patience and trust has come. I am in a place where I have no other option but to wait for the Lord to work. I have no other option than to put my faith, that God is good and does good work for His children whom He loves, into action and do nothing.
It has been incredibly hard to wait; it's only been two days since I determined to wait for the Lord and it feels like an eternity (and I thought I was above instant gratification....the Lord humbles the proud). But the Lord has been gracious in comforting me through His word. I like how the CSB translates Psalm 46:10: "Stop your fighting, and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth." I have been fighting for control with God out of my unbelief, out of my anxiousness, out of my desire for the things that I want right now. But God says "stop fighting me and trust that I am who I say I am." The Word tells us in Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait on the Lord." I have arrived at a point in my walk with the Lord where I have decided if I really believe that God is in control of all things, that all things work together for my ultimate good, that He is truly faithful to keep His promises and that He is trustworthy. I have to decide if I actually believe that the will of God is perfect and worth waiting for even if it is not what I thought I wanted.
As I wait, I cling to the hope and promise of Psalm 16:5-8:
"Lord, you are my portion and my cup of blessing; you hold my future. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance. I will bless the Lord who counsels me- even at night when my thoughts trouble me. I always let the Lord guide me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
If you are in a period of waiting, let this be an encouragement to trust that God is who He says He is and a reminder that you are not alone. If you are in a period of fighting with the Lord, let this be an encouragement to stop fighting. "Stand firm and see the Lord's salvation that he will accomplish for you today....the Lord will fight for you, and you must be quiet." (Exodus 14:13-14)